Saturday, September 10, 2011
The First Date Formula
RIGHT. ON. TIME. FOR. CUFFING. SEASON
First things first, BET must be terminated, I can’t take it anymore. I felt every last one of my ancestors turn in their grave, when I found out Lady Of Rage was going to be in one of the cyphers at the Hip Hop Awards. That was the final remaining straw. Lady Of Rage. The one that rocked rough and stuff with both afro puffs. On my flatscreen. Spittin’ shattering bars of pain at an awards show. The very thought of that makes every last one of my limbs buckle. What did we do to deserve this? Raheem didn’t get shot in Juice for this shit. All I know is, security better be extra tight that night. Because I can tell she eats gunpowder omelets for breakfast, so there’s no telling WHAT the Lady Of Rage might do. But aside from the BET struggle, the NFL season kicking off, and Carter IV going fool’s platinum, there’s realer shit happening out here, or should I say NOT happening. Guys are meeting girls off Twitter, and not getting the box on the 1st date. Unbelievable right? Smh, I know I know. But of course, I’m here to help you.
If she’s been following, and retweeting you for over 3 months, you getting the box the first time ya’ll chill should not be an issue. That’s 90 whole days of tweets, DMs and hopefully Skype chats. You guys practically already met. After 6 months? You two basically fuckin’ go together. These are facts, I have to make sure my check engine light stays off, I don’t have time to sit around and make up lies. I understand though, a lot of chicks are against giving it up on the first date, in fear of looking like a “hoe”. Two things women out there need to stop doing; putting “HoustalantaVegas” as their location, and worrying about what other people think about them. The world would be a better place, trust me. Everybody called Amber Rose a hoe, when her naked pictures were smeared all over the dot coms. You think she cares? No. She continues to plop down in that barber chair, and get fresh worry-free shape ups, without any of you on her mind. It’s 2011, Nicki Minaj let a nipple slip on Good Morning America in front of a sea of innocent white people at 8am, it’s ok to fuck a dude on the first date.
Females know if they’ll have sex with a guy or not at first sight. Any woman with a dental plan and decent credit, will confirm that this is indeed a fact. No chick is impossible to have sex with the first time you chill with them. If the attraction and connection is there, anything could happen on that first night. Remember, when there’s thirst, there’s a way. And Twitter doesn’t do anything but make it THAT much easier. If your tweets are keeping her entertained, with a smile on her face day after day, you already have her marinating in your palms. You really only need 3 things to make sure you seal the deal on the first encounter. With the mixture of laughs, drinks and the right music together, it’s damn near impossible to go home empty handed.
Laughter is the quickest way to the box. If she finds you attractive and you can make her laugh, you already won 75% of the battle. The level of laughter when she retweets you, is the easiest way to tell how easy it’ll be on the first date.
“LOL” = She’s slightly thirsty, but doesn’t quite know how to make it known yet.
“LMAO” = The tweet really made her laugh out loud, and now you have her full and undivided attention.
“LMFAO” = She want you to parallel park inside the box.
Any additional amount of Os, indicates that the level of thirst has reached elevated heights, and the box will be available the first time you meet her. If you can put as many smiles on her face in person, as you do on Twitter, you’ll be shooting 100% from the field the whole night b.
A bottle of her favorite alcoholic beverage, should definitely lead you to the promise land during that first night with her. Liquor in her system will allow her to be more open, let her hair down and become more comfortable with you. Premium alcohol though, no Burnett’s, E&J, or any other poverty liquids. Preferably Patron, girls fall victim to their precious Patron every night. There’s not too many situations where you can’t come out a winner, with Patron at your fingertips. A bottle of Patron could pull you clean out of the friend zone, without a scratch, in 45 minutes or less. It’s like the game winning shot in a bottle. A full proof way to make your mission complete. And she won’t even feel bad about giving up the box on the first night at this point. For the simple fact that she knows blaming it on the alcohol is now an option.
In addition to laughs and drinks, if you add music to the mix, failure will be non-existent. You need the right set of tender tunes playing in the background to set the mood perfectly. The-Dream’s 1977, the Weeknd’s Thursday or House of Balloons, Frank Ocean’s Nostalgia, Ultra, all this is perfect 1st date music. This is the type of shit you should throw on, if you want to gain the access codes to the box. No rap music, unless it’s Drake. Drake’s welcoming, light skinned melodies could definitely help the box present itself with open arms on the first night. And definitely, no music from any hoodlums with felonies should be played. Any nigga playing a Meek Mill mixtape on the first date with a chick, is definitely leaving with a rape charge.
So there you have it, laughs + alcohol + the right music, is sure-fire formula to get a 1st class trip to the box on the first night. If you meet a girl off Twitter, and you still can’t close the deal with a bottle of Patron, and House Of Balloons playing, you my friend are the definition of a dirt bag. And if she ever retweeted Plies, don’t even bother, her box is tainted for absolute eternity. Aight, well I’m outta here, my work here is done, ya’ll be cool how ya’ll be cool. By the way, this is my 16th blog and Lowkey still has his goddamn Christmas tree up. If any terrorist activity pops off on 9/11, it’s his fault.
Oh, and remember, it’s not cheating if your relationship status on Facebook still says single……#FACT